White was time

The house is getting empty. I've loaned out as much as I can and keep pursuing the goal of leaving everything in Bloomington to take back in a year. I only have a bit left over, so I did pretty well, and basically furnished Lyssa's bedroom twice over. Now I'm cleaning a year's grime from these crumbly white walls. Last night smoked and cleaned the bathroom with rubber gloves for the strange things I found in the corner by the toilet. Strange thing that the bathroom rug gathers more dirt than anything else in the house. I guess it has seen dirty dirty days before many many showers.  

Never found the nintendo or the books, though I did confront Joy about it, shaking with rage... to no avail, she has no idea what I'm talking about... apparently. Sorry kid, I did so try. 

We had two rolls of film come back jumpy and completely unusable, causing us to lose at least four major scenes from the film. Two lessons there, 1) Be more firm with Cody when I think the camera sounds as though it is dysfunctional 2) Never use actual film when you don't actually have the money for it. 3) Be less idealistic 4) stay inside

I made a giant pillow area in the living room- we threw the couch into the dumpster across the street, man did we fill that motherfucker. 

Anyway

You were supposed to come today

But there never are no Rachels round here no more. 

the time

is approaching when we will all leave our respectable, warm summer habitats and march towards education, success, and ultimately--the frosty future. normally my sentiments at this time of the summer are predominately negative and disappointed, tinged with excitement and nervousness for the fall, but this summer, my shit is on the walls. i couldn't be more excited for europe... don't remind me that i'll have commitments, obligations, and a huge crock full of confusion and frustration dragging me down. going to london means that i'm real. i'm not just a college student; i'm a college student that's trying really hard. this world is a big place and i want to get lost.

so yes, there were camping trips and swim outings, i skipped work to get fucked up, i annoyed the shit of my parents and shirked all responsibility to the brink of unhealthiness.... but this summer has been empty. i have missed my hallowed hippie friends much more than i could have expected. every time i get a drunk dial from paul or nathan, i remember last summer and shed a happy tear. when solomon sends me facebook messages even a year later (and from peru), i get psyched. i have greatly missed the unabashed intelligence of my Bloomington peers, and am tired of treading water filled with parasitic mediocrities.

and damn it, sagan. i don't see what anyone could see in anyone else. but you.

and we're going to get through this.

funny at the beginning

i got a macbook. and i love zach galifianakis. and life is going rapidly slow. 

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The Woods

Are rotten and dripping with corpse blood

touching

Digging Mines and Operating Heavy equipment in the Process

Wow

I am ecstatic right now. 

We had our first official production meeting last night where we were lining up our crew. Nearly everyone invited showed up. There were a few that did not, but it was a 90% attendance improvement from our Auditions which were disappointingly half empty. 

Everyone seems really excited to help us out on this project, we are connecting with resources we did not know we had. IT seems to be rolling along quite well, but I am no fool to think that everything will be perfect. Ultimately we will run into flakers, arguments, and tedious and unnecessary bullshit. But, my life has never been much of a smoothly running machine. In fact, I'm sure that I quite enjoy the interspersed turmoil as a cardiac arrest patient would enjoy an electric shock. Life-giving with just the hint of pain. 

Outside of the production, I believe I may have gained employment at the local Movie Gallery pending the results of this afternoon's 4 o clock interview. I remain at the Kent Cooper Room with something short of disdain for my co-workers. But that should most undoubtedly be attributed to my meager wage and my frustration with tedious tasks. 

I have 15 dollars in my bank account right now, but am surprisingly unfettered by this seemingly controlling substance. There's not much that I need to purchase at this time, save the occasional Rockstar or Slushee which I could usually manage by extracting change from the deep recesses of my car, bed, closet, and couch. My quitting smoking has also allowed for a sense of unburdenment. 

I probably need to be paying more attention to England, but I am a bit to excited about production to do that. I talked to my mom on the phone last night. It was quite unpleasant. I was trying to be my usual jovial, joking self, but she seemed a bit too exhausted to handle it. It was of course, mostly my fault for being a spoiled self-centered child. (When I found out my sister's bridal shower was on June 28th-- the 5th year anniversary of Taylor's death and the date of a coinciding show in Bloomington-- I kind of freaked out, like "Why does it have to be that day? That's Taylor's day.") She fell back into appeasing me with an obvious sarcasm that left me raging. I must find a photographer for Meghan's wedding. They want me to go home, then drive to Goshen in search of my schizophrenic friend Abe, which is more than likely a lost cause. But I must find him. Sometimes I wish that I did not have family. There's is a forced bond. If I could only tell them the chaotic stress that these things will be causing me, but I can't because then I am a disloyal daughter and a betraying sister, even though I am only trying to be a human being with my own prerogative, just as they are most of the time. I feel that it is only in stressful times like the upcoming wedding that they (as would I) take advantage of that arresting familial bond. So I feel obligated to do these things, even though my resources are scare to non-existent and my mental health would probably call for my refusal. 

But alas, we must be born into this world in one way or another, and unfortunately I am of no divine origin.